


Between The Lines of Fear and Blame

by TotallyTinkerbell



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M, Nightmares, Sleepy Isak, Supportive Boyfriend Even, Triggers, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-25 04:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12027903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TotallyTinkerbell/pseuds/TotallyTinkerbell
Summary: Isak has a dream about something that he feels horrible for.Even reminds Isak that dreams happen for a reason.





	Between The Lines of Fear and Blame

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know entirely how this little one-shot happened, but Isak loves Even, every part of him, and I thought it was a good idea to show this happening in their relationship because these boys are the strongest people I've ever seen portrayed in a story. This little story shows the strength of their relationship in communication. Between the lines of fear and blame. (Title from 'How to Save a Life' by The Fray)

“No. No Don’t leave. Even, I’m sorry, I… Don’t leave, please.”

Isak was crying. Sobbing. Yet unable to move from where he sat on the bed, from where he watched his mother and Even leave the apartment. 

Even pulling the door shut behind him made Isak’s body jolt up, and he was breathing in and out rapidly as he supported his weight with an arm behind him on the bed. Even stood in front of him two seconds later, and crawled onto the bed to take Isak’s face in both of his hands.

“Isak… Isak it’s okay. It’s okay, I’m here. You had a bad dream.” Even said. 

Even’s hands were cold, just arriving home from being out with friends. The cold felt good. It felt real. Like a reminder that Isak was no longer in that horrible horrible dream world that he was just in. Well, it was more of a dystopia. A nightmare.

“Wh.. what time is it?” Isak asked, his voice breaking and sounding rough, like he had been screaming. Maybe he had. 

Even looked over Isak’s shoulder and then looked back at Isak right away. “2.19. I just got home. I could hear you scream as soon as I got to the door.” Even said, now gently moving his one hand to stroke the hair out of Isak’s face.

Isak just closed his eyes, allowing the touch. Allowing the reminder that this was real, not his imagination playing tricks on him.

And Even’s lips on his felt real for sure, and Isak breathed into the kiss as he felt his muscles relax.

Even stroked up and down Isak’s arms until Isak gave in and bend the arm behind him which was keeping him upright. As they both laid down, Even pulled Isak close to him, both arms wrapping around him. In between blinks Isak must have missed Even taking off his jacket and his shoes.

“Isak, do you want to tell me what you were dreaming?” 

Isak tensed up in Even’s arms right away, and Even pressed a kiss on top of his head, rubbing his back to soothe the tension away again. It was working only very slowly.

“Not in particular.” Isak replied.

Even sighed deeply. “Baby… I heard you say my name. Did…” 

Even breathed in deeply again. “Did I do something? Was I… Did I do something while I was manic?” Even asked.

To this, Isak moved his face from where it had been resting against Even’s chest, and he turned so he was able to fully look Even in the eyes.

“No, Even. You didn’t do anything.” Isak said, reaching up to stroke his cheek. 

Isak couldn’t believe that a boy so wonderful, with so much love to give, had some default setting to assume that people would get hurt because of him. They had been working on that, Isak convincing Even that he wasn’t a burden and that his 3AM cooking session during his latest manic episode didn’t affect Isak negative in any way. In fact, when Even crashed into his depression the next day, Isak was glad the food was there because no way in hell was he going to leave Even to do groceries on the worst day of the near future.

So no, Even wasn’t to blame. He was never to blame. This was all Isak’s brain. His subconscious.

“Even… do you believe that dreams are a projection of our subconscious thoughts and desires?” 

The room was silent for a while, aside from the sound of Isak’s shirt being softly grazed by Even’s fingers in circular motions. 

Isak almost got to the point of allowing himself to sleep again, until Even spoke.

“I think our dreams are a way of our mind to process things that happened to us. And to look at things that could happen. Our brains are able to conjure up very vivid images. Sometimes too vivid, and they seem real. Like thinking you can fly, or believing that jumping into the north sea at minus 10 degrees is truly healthy.” 

Isak frowned at that. It was a story he hadn’t heard before. But he chose not to linger on it. Neither did Even, because then he blinked and looked at Isak with a fond smile.

“You tell me why our brain does things. You’re the scientist.”

Isak smiled, blushed a little, and returned his head to its previous position. Yet now he had no intention of going to sleep. Not until he made sure that his brain knew that dreams like that weren’t going to happen so next time the molecules in his head should come up with something better. Like Isak actually managing not to fall on the half-pipe. That would be brilliant.

In order to do that, however, Isak knew he’d have to talk. He would have to face his dream, his nightmare. And if it hadn’t involved Even then he wouldn’t have hesitated. But it did. 

Truthfully his mind had betrayed him and he didn’t want Even to know that it was possible. That part of Isak could still think that way about Even, even if that part was sitting behind his closed eyelids.

“You were in my dream.” Isak started out with. Even knew that much already though.

“You and my mom both.” 

Even frowned slightly, not that Isak could tell. Then his face returned to normal, and his jaw tightened a little bit. Unless Isak had a nightmare about Even and Marianne setting the kitchen on fire because they were trying to cook too many things at the same time, Even had an idea of where this was going.

“The dream started out with me studying. I swear that damn Math test from three weeks ago keeps haunting me.” Isak said. “So I was studying and stressed and… well we both know I ended up with a 4, barely. So yeah.” 

Isak was trailing away from the main point, and Even noticed, but he rubbed Isak’s back encouragingly regardless.

“Either way… You decided to surprise me and you had picked up my mom for a visit. Because she hadn’t seen the place yet.” 

It was true. In the 7 months that Isak and Even had been living here, Marianne hadn’t been there to visit. Isak and Even had always gone to her, or met somewhere downtown.

“And she liked it a lot. We had floral curtains, all of the sudden. Which she adored.”

“Floral curtains?” Even asked, although he didn’t really care about the curtains. He just wanted to show Isak he was listening. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the nightmare to kick in.

“Yeah. But… she just kept talking on and on about them. Like, for hours on end, it seemed. You made some amazing casserole or something, I’m not entirely sure because I didn’t have time to eat because I had to study.” Isak explained.

Even hummed. That wasn’t entirely realistic. Isak often needed a reminder that his studies didn’t come before basic needs like food and sleep.

“But then she kept going on and on. And it just didn’t stop. And… And then I snapped at her.”

Isak was quiet for a while. Then he looked up at Even again, and he didn’t try to hide his tears.

“Even, I feel like an awful person for the things I said. I don’t even want to… I mean… Not a single word of them was true Even.”

Even sighed deeply and moved around on the bed a bit, so they were both on the same height.

“Isak. It’s okay. I won’t get mad. It wasn’t real, I know that. It was a nightmare. Whatever you said.”

“I called you two crazy, Even.” 

Even’s mouth closed. He blinked, once, twice, but nothing else on his face showed signs of moving. He kept the same expression as he had before. But Isak knew his mind was working, so he tried to explain himself.

“I don’t know, I was just really stressed and I said something about how you crazy people were ruining my life.” Isak said.

Something in his voice broke when he did. 

“It was awful Even. Saying it out loud makes me sick. I am so sorry, I should’ve never told you.”

Even sighed at that, his face finally breaking, but it wasn’t into anger like Isak anticipated. 

“Isak… It’s okay. I know it’s not how you really feel.” Even said, kissing Isak’s forehead. “It’s just what you projected. Because you have been stressed. And you have been talking to your mom’s doctor a lot lately, and he has warned you about triggers, right?”

Isak nodded.

Even nodded too. “So your head is trying to wrap itself around that, maybe? Trying to figure out what not to say… You said you knew it was wrong.”

Isak’s nod came reluctantly. Like he wasn’t accepting Even giving him the logical explanation for his angst.

Even then managed to pull off a smile.

“Then it’s all good. If your dream-you knows it’s wrong, then it’s all good.”

Isak frowned at that, chewing on that piece of information. It was something. The fact that Isak’s dream included a sense of righteousness and that his subconscious had demonstrated Even’s reaction to which Isak knew he was wrong in saying those things.

“You… you were pretty angry at me.” Isak then said softly. “You… you told me you couldn’t believe I had learned nothing. And then you took mom out of there. And the look of your face was so so hurt. Even, I…. My heart broke. And I couldn’t move. I was glued to the bed, my books on my lap weighing like a ton. I couldn’t do anything, other than beg you not to leave.”

Isak took a deep breath.

“And then you left. And when you pulled the door closed behind you, I woke up.”

Even pressed a kiss on Isak’s lips. “I’m right here baby.”

To that, Isak melted, and he buried his head in pillows and soft laughter from Even upon seeing the adorable sight. “Baby that’s my pillow.”

“I need it. It smells like you. I won’t be able to sleep otherwise.”

Even sighed, knowing Isak’s sleep pattern was as fragile as a baby bird these days. 

“Isn’t the real thing better though?” Even said while softly caressing Even’s arms. “If you give me a few minutes I will be right there with you. I just got to take my meds and change. Okay?”

Isak nodded slightly, but Even didn’t immediately move. Only when Isak’s eyes started to fall, did Even chuckle and Isak frowned. “What?”

“You’re going to pass out while I’m gone aren’t you?”

Isak shrugged, then proceeded to jawn. “Hurry back then.” He said.

Even agreed, and he made his way to the bathroom. He didn’t  hurry as much as he could have though, and he fully expected to find Isak in a state of slumber when he returned. But his boyfriend was right there, waiting for him to return to the bed.

“I can’t sleep until I know you’re next to me and until I know you understand why I told you about my dream.” Isak stated.

Even made his way back to the bed, and crawled in beside Isak, no longer limited to jeans and sweaters to move around.

“Step one completed.” He said as he stole his pillow back from Isak and secured it over his head. He then combed his fingers through Isak’s hair.

“And I know, baby. I know why you told me, I know you didn’t mean any of those things and I know it feels weird that your brain came up with such a scenario but it’s not going to happen, okay? I know you. I trust you. I love you. It’s not going to happen.” Even said, pressing a confirming kiss on his boyfriend’s lips.

“Now dream of cute adorable puppies or something.” 

Isak snorted. 

“Puppies? Even they’re so wild and energetic and I can’t keep up with a puppy.”

“Isak, sleep. Switch off that beautiful brain of yours for 10 seconds?” Even asked. Isak huffed a bit, mumbling ‘I don’t like my brain when it gives me nightmares’.

Even then returned to his previous ministrations of softly rubbing Isak’s back.

“Me neither baby. But I’m glad you told me. I really am. It’s gonna be okay now. Go sleep…”

Two minutes later, Isak’s breathing evened out, and Even smiled happily.

**Author's Note:**

> Triggers are tricky. Loving someone with mental illness is tricky. Sometimes you know not to do something but you think of doing it anyways, and you feel like your brain betrayed you.


End file.
